John sits on the couch, playing on his phone. He’s not really doing anything in particular, just scrolling through instagram. No one’s really posted anything new so he’s mostly just scrolling through stuff he’s already seen. He yawns, running his fingers through his hair. He realizes should probably wash his hair soon.
When he’s home, John usually takes a shower everyday; last night, he stayed over at Dave’s apartment and, realizing he isn’t going home today, decides he’ll just shower here.
He walks over to the kitchen where Dave is finishing up his lunch at the island, “Hey–uh–would it be cool if I used your shower?”
“Of course, man. You mind if I hop in with you? I’ll just be real quick.”
Wouldn’t that mean being naked? In front of each other? John feels his stomach turn at the question. He and Dave have been dating for about a year now; Dave knows that John is trans and John knows that Dave is too, but he can’t shake the feeling that Dave will be disappointed by his body; unlike John, Dave has already started T and passes quite well. He starts to sweat and Dave just stares at him, beginning to look worried.
Finally, Dave speaks, breaking the silence, “It’s cool, I can always shower later tonigh-”
“No!” John interjects suddenly. “I mean, it’s okay, I’m fine”.
Dave takes off his shirt and pants, now only in his binder and boxers. John is still completely clothed, too scared to move. He wants to do this, he wants Dave to see his body for what it is, but he can’t bring himself to make the movements in order to actually undress.
“Hey, are you sure you’re okay?” Dave asks, a hint of worry in his voice.
“Yeah, um,” John pauses, rubbing the back of his neck. He feels the back of his eyes burning as a single tear appears in the corner of his eye.
Dave steps towards him, taking off his shades. His eyes are a striking crimson red and his skin is as pale as milk with faded scars and dark freckles here and there. He is possibly the most stunning creature John has ever seen; seeing him now in just his underwear, he wants to cry.
“You can talk to me, John.” he soothed, looking deep into his bright blue eyes.
John knows he should say something but he can’t think of the right words; instead more tears well up in his eyes as he utters a soft sob. He lets his head fall onto Dave’s shoulder. He doesn’t understand why he can’t stop the tears, why he’s suddenly breaking down in his boyfriend’s bathroom. He can’t think straight right now, he's embarrassed, and he can’t conjure the words he needs to say. Instead, he buries his face into the crook of Dave’s neck.
“I’m sorry, Dave, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make this about me,” he whispers, a suffocating feeling rising in his chest. Dave puts his arms around John and pulls him into a tight hug.
“It’s okay, you can talk when you're ready” Dave breathed, stroking his back and kissing his head.
John pulls away slightly, wiping his eyes, and looks up at Dave. “I’m scared..” He hesitates as Dave watches him patiently. “I’m scared you won’t like me,” he admits, looking down and fidgeting with his fingers.
Dave hugs him again; “I will always like you, dude. You’re great”.
John tries to speak but chokes up. He hugs Dave tighter and buries his head in the crook of his neck. He finally catches his breath. “I’m worried that–'', he inhales, “that I'm not enough of a man for you”.
Dave stays quiet for a second. John’s worried that he’s right; that Dave won’t see him as a man if he’s naked, if he isn’t binding, if his “parts” are visible. A wave of anxiety floods John’s brain. His legs are shaking and he’s tearing up again. He hears Dave’s voice but it’s muffled,
“Huh?” John looks up, dazed.
Dave repeats himself, speaking slower this time, “Do you need to sit down?” He strokes John’s cheek, “We can talk in my room if you want.”
John doesn’t look up but nods slowly. Dave leads him to his bedroom, still in his underwear, and sits down on the bed, patting the spot next to him. John sits, leaning his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder.
Dave reaches around and rubs John’s shoulder, “Everything’ll be okay, man. I love you.” He places a light kiss on his head.
John looks over at him, tears still in his eyes, “I want you to see me, uhm– without anything on, but I’m scared you won’t like it.”
Dave wipes his tears with his hand, “Why wouldn't I like you?”
John thinks about what to say, how to say it. He knows how understanding his boyfriend is, he knows how much Dave cares for him; he doesn't want to offend him by saying the wrong thing.
“I’m worried that you’ll think I’m not ‘man’ enough for you…” John muttered, looking up at Dave from the corner of his eye.
Dave’s stoic expression barely changed as he thought. The returning silence disturbed John. He couldn’t tell what Dave was thinking and it was beginning to make him anxious, when suddenly he spoke.
“You’re perfect for me, John”.
His words made John’s heart swell up like a balloon. He can tell that Dave’s being honest with him; he leans over and kisses him softly, taking in the warmth of his boyfriend’s lips.
“I… uhm... I’m gonna take off my shirt,” John announces, a light pink painting the skin of his cheeks.
Dave nods in acknowledgement and a slight smile graces his lips as he looks over at the boy with great fervor.
John takes off his shirt, discarding it on the floor, and crosses his arms around his chest, binder still on. He looks at Dave, watching his expression carefully. He begins unbuttoning his jeans and unzips his fly, slipping the garment off slowly, still eyeing the man beside him.
“Well?” John questions, anxiety coloring his voice.
“You’re beautiful,” Dave beams, expression barely changing. John’s blush darkens and he looks away quickly,
“I’m not taking off anything else until you do,” he asserts with a hint of sass.
Dave’s mouth moves like he wants to speak, but he decides not to; instead, he complies to John, slipping off his binder and revealing his chest. John is astonished, he didn’t expect Dave to actually take it off. He feels his face heat up like his blood is boiling under his skin. Dave just stares at him, a hint of red coating his cheeks. They both look away, embarrassed, but all the same, John feels braver than before.
He slowly takes off his binder, struggling to get it over his head; Dave watches him fumble, staring wide-eyed like an idiot.
When John finally gets the stupid thing over his head, he exhales loudly and slumps down, covering his breasts with his arms. He’s feeling the nervousness again and bites down hard on his bottom lip. He hates the way his chest looks. He bites down harder, skin threatening to break.
Dave doesn’t say anything as he turns away again. John can see the red on his face darkening as Dave carefully slides off his boxers. He peeks at John from the corner of his eye and quickly looks away as he’s sitting next to his boyfriend, naked.
“Woah,” is all John can muster. He follows suit, slipping off his underwear.
When he’s completely bare, he leans over and, ever so gently, kisses Dave’s lips, sending a shutter down his spine. Dave kisses back, opening his mouth just slightly to intensify the feeling. John reciprocates, leaning in closer and tangling his hands in Dave’s hair. He’s more happy in this moment than he has ever been in his whole life.
Dave pulls away just an inch.
“You’re absolutely breath-taking,” He breathes, “I love you so much.”
“Love ‘ou too…” John mutters before sinking back into the kiss. Dave makes him feel so safe and loved; he wishes this moment would never end.
Both men sit up, completely dazed, drunk off each other. They sit in silence for what feels like forever, breathing deeply, trying to gather their thoughts. Finally, the silence is broken.
“Hey, so,” Dave starts, shifting to look at the other man, “wanna go wash off?” He smiles slyly.
“Yeah,” John smiles back at him, “I’d like that.”
“Cool.” Dave says before picking him up bridal style, ironically of course, and carrying him to the bathroom where he gently sets him on the toilet seat. He kisses John’s forehead before turning around to switch on the water.
“Is this too cold?” Dave asks and John reaches his hand past the curtain to feel.
“Maybe a little warmer?” He suggests. Dave nods once turning the handle just a tad bit more to the left.
“Alright,” he declares, bowing his head like a prince to a princess, “it’s ready, my liege.”
John snorts, “okay, dork.” And steps in while Dave follows.
Dave grabs the shampoo, spurting a glob onto his hand, “Shall I do you, sir?”
“Uhm, I’d say you just did, dude” John sniggers. His response catches Dave off-guard.
“Shut up,” He chuckles, punching his boyfriend lightly on the shoulder.
He lathers the shampoo into John’s hair, scrubbing behind his ears and at the nape of his neck. It tickles, forcing a small giggle from John. Dave’s heart jumps at the sound and despite the soap, he kisses the back of the boy’s neck. John giggles once more as he feels the corners of his partner’s lips curl up into a smile.
Dave returns to scrubbing John’s head, carefully rinsing out the soap making sure none gets in his lover’s eyes. When he’s finished, John spins around to face him and gives him one big kiss on the lips; he can’t help it, his head is clouded with feelings of ecstasy and warmth. He feels closer to Dave than ever before and wants to show it.
“Shall I do you now?” John questions, holding back a laugh.
“Why I think you shall, my good man,” Dave retorts, “I think you should do me real good.”
Both boys burst into laughter, spraying water everywhere.
“I love you, man,” John says, still giggling.
Dave composes himself, “I love you, too.”
“Now, turn around,” John commands in a joking tone.
Dave obeys and John pours out a little too much shampoo. He rubs both hands together and scrubs Dave’s head just as he did to him.
After they’re all dried off, Dave lends John some clothes to sleep in. They cuddle up under the covers and as John is beginning to close his eyes, he feels Dave’s hand slip under his shirt and stroke his side as he lightly kisses the back of his neck.
“You’re beautiful,” Dave murmurs.
This is heaven John muses as his body relaxes and he succumbs to sleep.